Tuesday, 20 March 2012

• I have a small penis.

  Catchy title, just grabs your attention right?! I thought so.

  ANYWAYS... my lifes been crazy lately. To be honest this whole year has been crazy so far. ACTUALLY my whole fucking lifes been hectic. I'm always involved in something that I shouldnt be involved in. I'm always doing something I shouldnt be doing. I'm always in the middle of shit. You couldnt possibly comprehend the mess my life is.

  Lets start with the fact I walked around with a bruise under my eye all last week, which came from my oh so charming mother. It's not the first I have been hit by her and it wont be the last. People at school kept asking me who I fought, it was THAT bad. I walked into lab monday and my friend brittany asked If my mom hit me which I told her she did. I cleaned the house to saturdays ago because I got in a bit of trouble for not coming home the night before even though she told me told me to "do whatever you want". I went out to ask her if she needed anything else done and she looks at me and says "why did you dye your hair blonde?". I responded "because you dont have the money, so I did it myself to save you some". So she said "well I wish I didnt have a daughter who's a slut, but it doesnt look like im going to get that" and she ripped of my shirt. She backed me up against the wall and hitting me a couple times threw my shirt at me and tiold me to get the fuck outta her house. As I was going to walk out with my hair everywhere and my makeup all over my face the pizza guy showed up so I dipped back into my room. She came in and backed me up into my closet. Grabbed my fucking hair and slammed my head against the metal shelves a couple times. I don't remember half of the words that were exchanged because I was so damn angry. But I remember her being so close to me her stomache touching mine and I felt so sick at her touch, I wanted to throw up. she siad "All you do is TAKE TAKE TAKE you never give, You don't even love your brother who you'be known your whol entire life". I snapped, I got up in her face and said "don't you ever fucking say that to me, how dare you, Anybody whos ever known me know I love him more then anything in the entire world". She spat "You dont even know what love it" and I said "because you've never shown me". So she decked me. I stood there with no expression on my face, emotionless minus the tear running down my face. I looked at her with all the disgust and hatred I could possibly muster up. My lip twiched. She said "oh you think thats funny?" and punched me in my jaw. I'm not one to hit the person who feeds me, clothes me and houses me. I'm also not one to turn her in for hitting me. I would go back into fostercare and not even in ohio. I would go back to Kansas where I'm from. I CANT risk that. I cant risk losing everything once more and moving after almost 7 years here. My brother would come along with me and I wouldnt do that to him. We've already had one failed adoption, we were lucky to be even considered adoptable after that. Me being 10 and my brother being 9 at the time, having one failed adoption, and being biological siblings we were damn lucky. Shit like that doesnt happen to most foster kids. They dont get that lucky. So what do I do? I deal witht he verbal, and physical abuse. I always have. Coping is second nature to me. Is that not sad? That I'm USE to this shit. Shes not even the first person to hit me. I've been with 6 familys and only one (my last foster home) of them did not abuse us in some way. It's normal to me. That scares me. I've always said that If a guy ever hits me, I wouldnt ever stay eith them because of what I've put up with. What If I do though? If I don't stop it now what will I stop then? Or is it different from a SO hitting you rahter than a parent hitting you? I don't know. I don't know where to begin with this because I don't know what is normal. How can I when this is how its always been? Blows my mind to think years down the road I would still be the pussy I am today.

   

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